i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
