I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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