Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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