for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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