I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
