I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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