yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
