It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
