GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dignity is for republicans.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
