between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You're like the curious george of whores
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
as a side note pls kill me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
