yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
