I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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