Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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