I looked at my own cervix.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
