You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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