every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
