Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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