the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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