Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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