Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
