Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
