sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
