I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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