The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize