I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
