i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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