My nipple is on Facebook.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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