Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
