There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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