There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
