You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
