I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
