Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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