I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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