hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
