3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
