I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm like, not good at living.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
