Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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