party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize