I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
