WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
