how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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