Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
