yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize