is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
