I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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