paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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