Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
should my penis look like a turkey
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize