i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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