I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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