wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
