so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
