I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just pee around me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
