Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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