the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize