I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
